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Welcome.
For over 2 years I have been blogging and interacting with people about the relationship between people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and their loved ones (Non-BP’s). I blog at the site: www.anythingtostopthepain.com.
You might be a person who fits into the “Non-BP” category. To help determine* if you are a “Non-BP”, ask yourself the following questions (this is an edited excerpt from my book, "When Hope is Not Enough" (WHINE):
- Do you fear coming home from work, or fear your loved one coming home from work, because you have no idea what this person's mood will be?
- Do you hold back your opinions about certain subjects for fear of being berated, criticized and judged?
- Do you not mention this person’s erratic behavior for fear of being attacked or not believed by others outside the relationship?
- Do you feel that this person is constantly saying that everything is your fault and that you are to blame for all of his/her problems?
- Do you feel lied to and/or manipulated? Does external evidence bear out the fact that your loved one has lied about his or her behavior?
- Do you feel that this person won’t listen to reason or that he/she specifically ignores the truth to support his/her erratic behavior?
- Do you feel he/she has an inability to take responsibility for his/her actions?
- Do you feel isolated from friends or from family members because of this person?
- Does he/she rarely or never acknowledge your feelings?
- Does he/she never apologize for hurtful behavior?
- Does it feel that this person specifically sets up situations in which the intentions are to “destroy” you in some way (emotionally, financially, career-wise, etc.)?
- Is he/she like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Does it feel like these “switches” from friendliness to rage take place over short periods of time? Does he/she rage at you one minute and then, an hour later, act as if nothing happened?
- Do your children or other family members feel the same way?
- Do you feel you carry around a secret about the embarrassing behavior that you “put up with” in your loved one? Do you protect him or her by not telling others, including friends and family members, about his/her behavior? Do you do this because you feel that others would either tell you to “just leave him/her” or they would judge you for being “weak” or “codependent”?
- Do you feel like the entire relationship is about him or her and how he/she feels? Do you feel that there is no room for your feelings? Have you asked yourself “what about me?”
If you answered “yes” to a large portion of the questions above, it is possible that you are in a relationship with someone who has BPD (and very probably that you are in a relationship with someone with BPD traits). Because you have been so isolated and secretive about your relationship, you also might feel that you are the only person in the world who feels this way and experiences this behavior. You are not.
There are millions of people in the United States alone who suffer from BPD or a similar disorder. Conservative estimates say that from one to five percent of the entire U.S. population experience this disorder. That means that you have approximately a one in twenty chance of being involved with someone with BPD. If you are involved in a relationship with a person with BPD, whether you are a spouse, partner, parent, child or friend, you are considered a “Non-BP” or “Non.”
If you find yourself in the “Non-BP” category, there is help for you. I offer services on my services page that can help you in your relationship with this difficult person. Currently, I offer several free services and one paid service. The details of these services are located on the services page.
* this is not a definitive diagnostic tool. Since I am not a mental health professional, I am not qualified to make a formal diagnosis – only a trained mental health professional can provide a diagnosis. However, if you answered “yes” to many of the above questions, you may feel as though your loved one has BPD or behaves as if he/she does. This site is about helping YOU, not the person with BPD (diagnosed or undiagnosed).
Resources for partners and parents of people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD):
Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Nons Blog
Anything to Stop the Pain - Google Email Group